“Welcome to Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, I’m Marlin Perkins. In our quest to find the most exotic and unusual animals in the world, our cameras have taken us to the wilds of Westchester County, New York. And Jim Fowler, this animal is a strange one.”
That it is, Marlin. This is perhaps the most unusual animal I’ve ever seen. And it’s too big to fit into our studios.
“Let’s go outside and look at it.”
Marlin and Jim walk outside and find a large bus. This bus has only one remaining tire. It has graffiti up and down both sides. And the windshield is missing. Not broken, just missing.
And the hood is up and smoke billows from the engine bay.
“What is this disturbing-looking creature?”
Marlin, this is Strugglebussicus Whatthefuckisthis. Its common name is the Struggle Bus. The Struggle Bus is a creature native to the urban and suburban areas of the United States. It isn’t an entirely solitary animal, but it isn’t incredibly social either.
“What are some of the behavior patterns of the Struggle Bus?”
I’m so glad you asked. The Struggle Bus is wary of any help. It’s wary of any support or love. It’s usually known for having depressed looking humans attempting to board and ride them. Sometimes the humans will be wearing garb colloquially known as suits, and or dresses. The struggling humans bring down the energy of Strugglebussicus.
“Didn’t you tell me they have tempers?”
Absolutely they do! The Struggle Buses have very short tempers. And they break down a lot.
Let’s take a look at some film that we shot while on safari. This was shot in an area of New York State called…Port Chester. Although the locals pronounce it with the emphasis on Port instead of Chester. Almost like one word.
Now, Port Chester is about an hour outside of New York City. And it’s a common stomping ground for the Struggle Bus. As you can see, this specimen appears to be startled by every passing human. Even if the human doesn’t appear to want to ride the Struggle Bus.
“Would you say that the Strugglebussicus doesn’t trust humans?”
That’s exactly right, Marlin. They don’t appear to trust anything walking on two legs. Take this human right here. She is a rather buxom female human. Dressed in a tight skirt, revealing shirt of some kind, and—
Sorry. I got distracted by this remarkable creature. Here you’ll see the Struggle Bus has its door open willing to receive its latest passengers. But when this hot piece of—
This female human walk by, you’ll notice that the front of the bus visibly sank. And it closed its doors and drove away.
“What’s going on here?”
This is a common occurrence for the struggle bus. Here you’ll see the Struggle Bus in some sort of breakdown. Its human passengers walk away slowly and dejectedly toward their destination. But not actually at their destination.
“Is the smoke normal?”
100% normal. Humans still ride Strugglebussicus, but it’s nothing but breakdowns and detours and, well, struggle.
“Why do humans subject themselves to the struggle bus?”
It’s easy and comfortable. And that’s the most remarkable finding of my safari in the New York City suburbs.
“Whoa! What was that?”
Marlin, that was the Strugglebussicus’ arch rival. That’s Magicenergycus Whatwhaticus. That’s better known as the Magic Bus.
“Did you notice how the Struggle Buses all flinched when the Magic Bus flew by?”
Strugglebussicus is envious of Magicenergycus. Always has been ever since the species were discovered. The Magic Bus runs on fairy dust and possibility. The Struggle Bus runs on, well, struggle and the tears of broken dreams. The Magic Bus runs on possibility, but nobody knows where it is going or where it’s supposed to go.
“Why do humans ride something that nobody knows where it’s supposed to go?”
“Thank you, Jim. We’ll check back in with you later on in our program. After this word from Marlboro, we’ll go down to the wiles of South Africa where we’ll go inside a herd of elephants. And we’ll check back in the Magic and Struggle Buses.”